Tisk tisk...

I'm such a terrible blogger! Hopefully once our medicated cycles begin, I'll be more aware of posting to have our struggles in print form to look back on one day. This is important to me, and I want to be a better blogger, I need an accountability blog buddy!

Well, we're two weeks out from our first medicated cycle that will begin sometime next month! March 2nd I go in to discuss ordering H's tests to check him out before we start Clomid, and discussing the monitoring that will take place while I'm on Clomid, (H's tests pending). I've decided to have an u/s done first before we start so that will take place the first week of March. Yay for the dildo cam! (insert eyeroll here). Yay for another round of Provera (insert a sigh for the terrible period I'm about to have)! Finally, yay for beginning what will hopefully be a more successful journey than the one we've been on for over a year.


To be continued....

Four Things You Didn't Know About My Struggle With IF

So some of you may have seen on Facebook this week that women are posting facts that people may not have known about their pregnancies.

Well one of my friends that fought the fight of IF and WON changed it up for those of us that are still fighting.

My H and I are not open with everyone about the IF on Facebook, so I am posting my number here.


 I would have an outside baby today if it weren't for my chemical pregnancy in                                               February. I told my best friend on our way to a Chicago Blackhawks game about                                         the two beautiful positive tests I'd had the day prior and that morning and we                                                 squeed the whole hour drive there. Three days later I took another test to confirm,                                         and it was stark white.  I officially lost it two weeks later. On CD 3 my bf called me to ask me if I wanted her to save her baby girl clothes for me until we found out the gender. I told her my sad news and then carried on with my day. Until recently I haven't been bothered by it, nor have I thought much about it. Then I realized my EDD came and went and that I should have a squishy little baby in my arms. Bummer.
 We begin our first medicated cycle in March. 85 Days. 8 Hours. 46 minutes. Not like I'm counting. We'll have our first cycle with my OBGYN, so long as I like everything she has planned. We chose to put off discussing the details until March as to not let them consume my every thought between now and then. R and I are just enjoying the holidays, and our BRAND NEW AMAZING BED AND BEDROOM SET!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously, shameless plug for the Simmons Beauty Rest. I'm in love with that thing.
 I haven't had a period on my own in 15 months. In that time, I've been blessed to have three beautiful babies be born (almost).  With the first back in February, I was under the falsehood that I was pregnant and was overflowing with joy as my best friend brought her second daughter into this world. A few days later I cried and cried when I found out the pregnancy wasn't going to last and was jealous for awhile of how my friend had her baby girl in her arms and I wasn't going to have anything. Then I got over it. In August when our closest friends had their baby boy, I was again filled with jealousy that I still wasn't pregnant and that I had seen so many others get pregnant and have their babies in those few months and was pissed it wasn't happening to me. Then I, of course, got over that. This third baby was a huge shock to me as I didn't find out until a week before the baby shower, but I'm really happy for my baby cousin and wish he and his girlfriend all the best with their baby that's due any day now! I'm not jealous this time, well maybe a little that they're having the first great grandchild, but other than that, I'm just happy for them. I fully believe it's because my OBGYN has reassured me with all of my test results that my organs are perfectly healthy and that with a little push to my ovaries, I should be able to conceive easily. I know that it always doesn't work out that way, but I have a good feeling and am keeping my chin up for once.

I can't seem to get past 4 pounds on my weight loss. My weight keeps fluctuating like mad and won't keep going down. I'll lose a pound, gain two, lose two, gain one. It's been really difficult but I'm not giving up. I'm trying a couple new things and have eliminated some foods from my diet. In January I'm going to begin a Healthy Lifestyle program put on by my OBGYN's office. It's a nutri-system type program and it's offered at a very good price. Dr. S seems so confident in the fact that having me lose 10-15 pounds before March could help me not have to begin the medicated cycles and could just be the loss I need to get my ovaries to start dropping those eggs! I share this confidence as before I gained thirty pounds over the course of two years, I actually had periods. They weren't regular, but I had them damn it! I want to get healthy for me. Then once that happens, I'll be doing the rest of it for our future child(ren). I CAN do this, and I need to do this.



Thanks for reading. :)

Results are in..

Unexplained Infertility it is I guess.

I had my follow-up appt. today with Dr. S. All five hundred things she tested came back great. She said the last round of bloodwork I had wasn't accurate as it was not done on CD3 (thanks past idiot doctor) so any worries I had before should be wiped away. The one thing she did mention was that I have a pretty serious Vitamin D deficiency and that I would need to begin supplements right away. I told her that I was super happy my hormone levels looked awesome, but that I almost feel as if unexplained IF is the worst kind to have.

She laughed SO hard at that comment. Like giggle snort followed by a loud cackling sound.  "No, the worst kind would be me telling you that your tubes are blocked and your uterus is scarred and that you'll never ever have children!! That's when you can think you may have the worst kind." She truly feels as if, and these are her words, "that the extra tissue is causing the issue." Meaning I'm fat and need to lose weight. She wants me to look into a program my OBGYN office is starting up in January that is kind of like weight watchers meets nutri-system. It's a little pricey, but I think I'm going to seriously consider it.

After my appt R and I mulled everything over and we've decided that we're going to enjoy ourselves and the holidays and begin our 1st round of meds in February or March.  Dr. S called for a semen analysis for sometime in January or February and she said she'll think about an HSG for me when the time comes. I'm probably going to suck it up and request one before we do the Clomid. Better safe than sorry and I want to do things the right way. Hopefully by the time March hits I'll have lost enough weight and I won't need to use Clomid.


Here's to a lot of hoping and a lot of calorie counting this Holiday Season.

Let the Testing Begin!

First things first, CD3 BW.

So here is how my day went yesterday. For the last month I've had plans to meet with a friend for lunch.  I was really looking forward to it, got all cute'sied up for work that day and planned on making the one and a half hour drive down to West Lafayette for my lunch date. 

Well my body had other plans.  CD 1 hit me hard Tuesday afternoon meaning I had to get my butt in to the lab for blood work on Thursday.  I've been waiting for this day to come for about as long as I have the lunch date.  I thought I had it all figured out to where my trip to the lab wouldn't interfere with my plans, however, things don't always work out as planned.  If trying to get pregnant has taught me anything these last 11 months, it's that exact phrase.  Things don't always work out as planned, like ever. (Said in my worst Taylor Swift impersonation ever)

I get to my OBGYN's office, they have a lab on site, and the waiting room is basically empty. Score!!! I get checked in and within minutes the lab tech called me up to the window to ask me a few questions:  

1) Are you on CD3? Yes.

2) Did you fast for 7 hours? Try 16 hours because I wanted to be on the safe side since Dr. S never told me the details on this work up other than I had to fast. No time length, nothing.

...and then came the question that totally ruined my day...

3) Do you know you have to stay here for the next two hours so that I can draw your blood twice more after you drink the Glucose part of your test? Insert blank stare here and commence jumbled up word vomit. 

A few text messages later my lunch date with M was cancelled and hopefully rescheduled for next weekend, and there I sat camped out in the waiting room for what would total three, very, very long hours.

All I have to say is thank the sweet Lord for Candy Crush, the Facebook app, and IG. 

After my first draw, (which was like 8 freaking viles holy hell!) I went and chatted with the receptionist to schedule my follow-up. At the end of said chatting, she goes, "Wait, are you pregnant?!" Cue weird half smile half sad face followed by a "Nope, not yet." She felt really bad and said sorry seven times over. I told her to plan on seeing me around more as getting pregnant is what we're working on.  She got a big smile and said that I've come to the right place.  I'm hoping so D!

During my wait a few very pregnant women came and went, as well as a few frightened looking pregnant teens with their mothers.  One mom flopped out her booby to breastfeed and did so with the most confidence I'd ever seen.  It was awesome, and she totally carried on a conversation the entire time with one of the secretaries. Then came the long conversation between her and a fellow pregnant woman about their deliveries.  Then that tug in my stomach came and traveled up to my heart causing teary eyes.  When will I get to have my delivery story? I honestly long for the day an anesthesiologist stabs me in the back with an epi, or maybe the day that my baby comes out in no time and there's no time left to get an epi.  So long as the baby and I come out of it healthy, I could care less how she or he comes into the world.  I just want our baby and our story to share in the dr's office with another mother.

Time will tell. My follow-up is Wednesday morning, so that's when we'll know what's up or what's not up with my body. Fingers crossed and praying hard that we can figure out a plan based on the results!

Slacking

Whoops, I totally suck at keeping up with blogging. I haven't really felt like posting anything in a week or so though, haven't been up to it. I've been super emotional with everything going on right now....I'd be two weeks away from my due date today if I hadn't had the loss in February, and I've had several pregnancy announcements on Facebook recently so it's really stinging.

I had my appointment one week ago today and it went exactly how I expected. We talked about the obvious things going on with me: not ovulating, being overweight, the Provera not doing anything for me other than giving me awful periods.  I was to start taking Provera for 10 days and then go in a CD3 for bloodwork, however, with our vacation this weekend we would have been in Florida for CD3. I decided to wait it out until this week to start taking it.  Well that would have been all find and dandy if I wouldn't have O'd. I'm not 100% positive that I did, I'm more like 80% sure. On CD16 I had a "positive" OPK. I've never had super dark ones before, but this one was the closest thing I've ever seen. I've also been super picky about looking at them, making sure if the control had a streak in one part, the test line did too. I'm thinking this is why I haven't believed in seeing a true positive OPK. My temps follow suit with O being on CD16 as well as my CM.....so I'm thinking I'm in the 2WW. My first one since February. I had a temp dip today, 5dpo, implantation dip? Heh, yeah no. I'm gonna ride it out, and test at 14 dpo. Trying so hard not to get my hopes up.....but it's so difficult not to. 

Phantom symptoms: Sore boobs and nipples, like holy shit nipps simmer down please....and I've been super gassy (sorry DH). Also, my CM has remained super fertile EW-ish. This is exactly what happened in February. I'm reading so much into everything as I'm super hopeful that something is actually happening with me this time around. 

This two week wait is awful. I want to start the Provera already so that I can go in as soon as possible for the blood work, but I also want to take an HPT in a week and have it be a BFP. Goddamit body, why you no cooperate when I really need you to?

Get to know me...or you know, don't. Whatever.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? 
I don't think so, even though most people assume I'm named after Carmen Miranda. 

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? 
Yesterday. Totally stressful day. 

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? 
Sometimes yes, when I take my time to write and if it's with a good pen. 

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Chicken breast from the deli, none of that pre-packaged crap.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Working on it...

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Of course I would, I feel I have a lot to offer others and I'm a great listener. 

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? More than I probably should.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?Been there done that, it was a blast!

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I'm really not a cereal person at all, however, I do enjoy some honey nut cheerios every now and then but only with banana! 

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Nope, and I think I own one pair of shoes with laces.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Stronger than people think I am.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? I freaking love moose tracks, and cake batter ice cream from Cold Stone.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Smile/Eyes

15. RED OR PINK? Red

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? How I get angry so quickly...I let too many things bother me.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My sister in San Diego. :(

18. CLOSE YOUR EYES, WHAT DO YOU SEE?
 Nothing, I just closed my eyes?

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?Black flip flops

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?Blow Pop minis

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The radio and my coworker talk to a crazy person on the phone

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Purple

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?Subawy, Christmas trees, fresh baked bread, my H's cologne 

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? A customer. 

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?Beach house, fo sho.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Hockey, hands down. 

27. HAIR COLOR? Brunette with some natural red highlights

28. EYE COLOR? Blue

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope

30. FAVORITE FOOD? All Asian food. All of it.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Scary movies, screw happy endings...those only happen in shady massage parlors. 

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Runner Runner

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Navy blue

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Neither, fall please.

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs, they're the best

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? cheesecake, banana cream pie, or things with lemon

37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?strength training

38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?Computer. I watch TV online.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? The last hunger games book

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Info about where I work

42. FAVORITE SOUND? Baby coos/giggles

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Stones

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?Wales, UK or Mazanillo, MX

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? A girl never kisses and tells ;)

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Indiana

47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?Same place

48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?Pale yellow

49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?White

50. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 50 QUESTIONS?Gave me something to do

Bathroom Selfie for your viewing pleasure.

Testing....testing...

Never thought I'd be here...writing in a blog on the interwebz. Thanks to a suggestion from a couple of new found friends, I've hopped on the blog train. So here goes nothing! I'll try to keep this as updated as possible. I think knowing that there are people actually reading this will help keep me accountable. I hope this turns out to be a great outlet for me to have my melt downs, proud moments, silly stories, and angry rants. Something tells me it will be.

.....just because it was too funny not to post.